I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
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You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
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I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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