When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
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I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
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Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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