My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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