How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize