Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
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He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
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When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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