I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Randomize
