what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
