I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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