If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
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You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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