You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
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Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
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my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize