So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
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I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
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