His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
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Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
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you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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