who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
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No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
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Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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