The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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