it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
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She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
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I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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