You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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