he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I came so hard my ears popped.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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