She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize