Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
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I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
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Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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