hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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