Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
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They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
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Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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