Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
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No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
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Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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