I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I am naked and annoyed.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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