just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
