Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
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I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
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So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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