so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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