i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
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He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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