My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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