k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My bed smells like the plague
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize