So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
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I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
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I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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