it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
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Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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