I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
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I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
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WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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