I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
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