Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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