I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
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I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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