I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
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Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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