So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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