Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize