I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
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just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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