So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize