please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
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That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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