Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
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I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
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Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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