hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
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Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize