Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize