We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
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dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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