i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
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shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
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You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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