Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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