I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
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The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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