I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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