saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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